“Aziz, you’re such a defeatist?” That was her conclusion after two hours of conversation on a cold Saturday night. I’ve been called a lot of names/tags over the years, the most recent one being a narcissist, but this one struck a cord. I’d heard it before. Truth is we lose most of our battles in our minds even before we get into the field. And trust me, I lose a lot of battles every day.
I’ve tried killing myself thrice – the ones worth counting. At some point I wonder if these were victories or defeats. Normally the answer depends on how I feel. When I am upbeat and gay then it is great that I am still around to bring smiles and laughter to many. When I am low and depressed then I often feel like a coward for not having the courage to go through with it. That is life.
It’s Monday morning and I am doing my best to roll out of bed. Unfortunately, there is no other place to go and I’ll probably spend most of the day in my bed or office depending on whom I am talking to. I’ll only leave to fix myself a cup of coffee and warm last night’s left overs. I will feel lazy. Lazy because for most of my life, through the education system, I was taught that success is a product of long hours and hard work. At the moment I do neither. I write. Something that I’ve always loved and the the thing that has paid my rent since I quit my job.
Writing has always come natural to me. It is my craft. The fact that I get paid to do it is a double edge sword. You see, as much as I let other see my writing, I often write for myself. It’s the only way I can keep the voices in my head sane. Even the crazies at Mathare are let out sometime. I write what I feel, how I feel and when I feel like it. But when as a professional writer you have to write everyday, which more often than not is a struggle. You write what others want to read. But I can live with that.
It’s still Monday, the start of a new week. I feel a bit positive today although my phone died on me and I am offline. I need to feel positive. Maybe, just maybe, things are about to take a turn for the best. The calm after the storm.